The Joke’s On us.

My only problem with Internet-humour is that there’s no such thing as overkill. You take something vaguely funny , try to add things to make it funnier. Only a few succeed, the rest of us are just clutching at thin air. We only manage to make it unfunny and boring. According to my calculations,believe me I suck at maths, the average lifetime of a joke on twitter is 7mins, before it sprouts unfunny spinoffs and mashups.

 There’s an episode of Monty Python titled “World’s Funniest Joke”. The premise of the episode was that a comedy writer coming up with a joke so funny that whoever reads it dies of laughter. Probably the ultimate motive of internet-humour,like the one in the monty python episode, is to create a joke that absolutely ‘kills it’.

Memes, Trolls and Banterzz(this will be the word of the year in 2015) are notoriously guilty of taking a dead joke and torturing it until it becomes cringeworthy. Why is this relevant now? Probably because we all went hammer and tongs at Chetan Bhagat’s “Half Girlfriend” and found Alia Bhatt’s “stupidity” so funny that we made them trend on top. Chetan Bhagat’s book probably got more publicity out of twitter than with his front page ad. Good for him. It is not like he’s successful or anything. I am all for a good joke, but after a point the “Alia Bhatt memes/jokes” became dumber than her faux-pas. 

Now, I am not a fan of Alia , but this video made me chuckle.

Now people are starting to wonder if she’s smarter than we give her credit for. 

Maybe the joke is on us. By all means , the internet can be a  fun place. But the moment the ‘joke’ turns into a personal attack/banal attempt at humor for the sake of it, that’s the moment we might have “killed” it.

Juan Mata and Chelsea FC : How to lose fans and alienate supporters?

Just this Monday, I stumbled upon what I thought was a ridiculous piece of news. United on the brink of signing Mata, screamed the headline. Yeah, I have been there, I thought to myself. I knew it wasn’t gonna happen. Simply because

1. Chelsea had just sold Kevin de Bruyne to Wolfsburg, selling Mata would mean Chelsea would find itself really short of personnel to deploy in the attacking trinity.

2. Juan Mata was two time player of the year.

3. We don’t sell to rivals.

4. Juan Mata, being Juan Mata would never ever leave Chelsea football club .

It seemed logical at that time, but something about this rumor irked me. There was nothing from the club or the player to deny this piece of news. Then I remembered we were Chelsea Football Club.

We do phenomenally stupid things from time to time. Like sacking managers, midway through the season, just after the final whistle of the last game of the season,  sacking champions league winning manager within 3 months of the season, buying 8 or more AMs etc etc.  As the rumor’s been reported in all the major newspapers, it looks like When not If this transfer will go through.

In these last 3 days , a load of things have been said. SirAlex negotiated with Roman, Sir Alex spoke to Jose, Juan Mata wanted to leave, Juan Mata didn’t train, Juan Mata had informed “friends/family” of the impending transfer etc. If anything this was a bolt out of the blue for Chelsea supporters, who thought the Matic signing would be the icing on the proverbial cake, that this team was now complete. Juan Mata had played 1015 minutes,which is a decent amount for a sub. But it was plain to see that Jose didn’t trust Mata in big games. To his credit Mata ran his heart out ,whenever he was given a chance.

The trouble was that Mourinho’s new system stifled Mata’s influence on the game. It was never more apparent than at the game vs Southampton at St Mary’s last month. Taken off around the 54^th minute of the game, the dimunitive Spaniard was visibly upset. Jose later brushed it off saying that the disappointment was with his own inability to score. One would be compelled to think that this was the last straw. Was this the treatment that the hitchhiking, instagramming, nice-guy Mata deserved?

After having seen Chelsea’s victory over Manchester United from the bench, and now Mata seems to have had enough and has apparently agreed for a move to United. Chelsea fans are visibly confused with the move. BBC confirmed on Thursday that Chelsea had accepted a 37m bid from United. How could Mourinho let Mata go to a rival? How could Mata even leave Chelsea? Where was the logic? Loyalty was split between the club’s most successful manager and the fan favorite. Fans like me are taking this news pretty badly . As it stands, there has been no confirmation from the clubs. But it looks like the deal is as good as done.

Speculations are rife whether this was a Mourinho ‘ploy’ to stifle the opposition. Mata playing for United would mean taking points off rivals. I feel it would be foolish to assume so. He could have very well been sent out on loan if that was the whole idea behind the transfer. The consolation is that Chelsea will get 37m for  a squad player. So the rumor mills have gone to full swing , linking us with “Salah(Liverpool Target),Ross Barkley,Luke Shaw, Antoin Griezzman,Rooney” in a matter of 12 hours.

When this move goes through it is sure to polarize a huge section of support who have adored Juan Mata over the period of two and a half season, something that we Chelsea supporters should be used to , actually. No one would have expected the kind of influence the Spaniard has had at Chelsea.  Selling him to united might just be a big mistake, it probably depends on how the season pans out. Considering our propensity to sack managers, if we do the same with Jose, we will be well and truly in trouble. Because the only thing stopping the fans from burning effigies is Jose Mourinho, the one man who can turn anything he touches to gold. If he is gone, it goes from bad to worse for us Chelsea fans.

Until then, be strong and keep the faith.

Why this Hypocrisy Hypocrisy di?

Ok, sorry for the title. It should read Favoritism , but hypocrisy goes too. I was just peeking in to The Hindu today. And guess what I saw??

 

Turning to the sports page, I saw almost a half page article dedicated to the UEFA Champions league, then a smaller one proclaiming the ‘Remarkable Rise of Norwich’ . Yes , Norwich city of the EPL. Now I am a footy fan and all for it. But turning to the next page I saw I league getting a passable mention. Now, this sickens me. I know probably the Hindu doesn’t have the obligation to post a bigger piece on Indian Football. After all the UEFA post was sourced from a foreign newspaper. But the Norwich article seems to be written by an Indian author. Should I put it down to laziness or favoritism?? The biggest domestic competition in the country deserves better coverage, definitely. But I would be happy that

A report on Arsenal’s loss to AC Milan in the UEFA Champions League

An Article on the Newly promoted club Norwich city , which plays in the English Premier League

A report on Mohammedan Sporting’s winning run in the I League

the Hindu atleast has a feature on I League.

 

It is common to see sports headlines on websites, newspapers in India blaring out on European football, whilst happily neglecting it’s Indian Counterpart. Sad.

Rise of the planet of the apes .. koranguthanamana padam

Stepping in 15 minutes to watch a movie that is the prequel of a movie that i didn’t watch doesn’t help, but i found RotPotA quite ok.

A supposedly ravishing < perhaps it was simi garewal who found her so> and rock-hardplace james franco are the only notable human characters in this movie. Oh and there is this guy who plays Draco Malfoy from Harry potter, he plays a mean kid. There was also Christian Lithgow, the guy who plays the meanest killer on tv ( the trinity killer on Dexter). He plays James Franco’s alzheimer’s affected Dad. Every now and then i thought he was gonna trash Pinto’s head ( she has a really confusing accent) or the neighbour who keeps abusing him.

But it was more notable that the movie felt like a typical tamil movie, only for the actors to be replaced by monkeys.  I swear there were scenes lifted from the Tamil blockbuster Bhaasha.

The movie revolves around the rise of the .. you get it. The movie was way too long for me , i dozed off , woke up to find the monkeys still kicking some human arse. Maybe if you watch the original , you might like it .The special effects are good, certain sequences where the main protagonist simian – Caesar , gathers the rest of the apes is one to remember.

Best Farewell Party Ever… A billion and more hope not

“He has carried Indian cricket on his shoulders for 21 years. So it was fitting that we carried him on our shoulders after this win.” Virat Kohli

Some said it was destiny that a man who has carried the hopes of a billion people , should lift cricket’s biggest trophy in his own backyard. On April 2nd as Mahendra Singh Dhoni dismissed the ball to a six, a whole nation cheered. But it was evident that the dimunitive mumbaikar was the happiest man on the planet. The likes of Yuvraj Singh , MS Dhoni, Harbhajan Singh made it very clear . They did it for Sachin Tendulkar.

No one could deny that the victory at Wankhede was scripted by Gambhir and the tenacious Dhoni, but the country as a whole saluted it’s most favorite son : Sachin Tendulkar. Everybody knew that ,statistically atleast, this would be Sachin’s last world cup. So, to go out and win it for him would have been the best thing you could do for him. And win it they did. All through the tournament, Sachin had wielded the willow as he has done in every world cup before this. And reminiscent of the Indian teams of the past ,the Indian batting order collapsed(not taking anything away from Yuvaraj’s performance) , giving us fears that we might not make it this time. But the team delivered when it mattered the most.

Every Indian batting chase has revolved around it’s openers, Sourav and Sachin or Viru and Sachin. Chasing 275 to win in the finals against the Lankans was no easy task. But when Master and His Apprentice got out, India were floundering at 31/2. Clocks were turned to the Indian side of the 90’s when you could practically switch off the TV, go to bed and find out the margin of defeat next morning. NO , not this time around. Kohli, Gambhir , Dhoni and Yuvraj rallied around to make it one of the best run chases in the history of the World cup. It happens to be the highest in a world cup final. They made sure that Sachin got the one thing that was missing from his resume – World Champion. A fitting way to bid adieu to the quadrennial tournament.

Final Farewell

After the game when Virat Kohli said  : “Sachin Tendulkar has carried Indian cricket on his shoulders for 21 years. So it was fitting that we carried him on our shoulders after this win” , one could not think that he spoke it out of the moment. But this win , this farewell present for the Man was years in the making. I remember MSD making Sourav Ganguly captain the team for the last few hours on his last test match for india . But this farewell party tops it all. We all hope that Sachin would continue playing for the country though, the ball is in his court.

The Day Has Finally Arrived!!

The Day that every cricket fan in this Cricket Crazy country dreams about is finally here.

The finals of the ODI world cup. India Vs Srilanka. India has been on and off in this tournament, beating only the minnows before managing to beat the windies to comfortably make it to the next stage. After a lacklustre group stage performance the wins against the Aussies was just the boost we required for the world to consider us the favorites again. A mouth watering semifinals clash against the Arch rivals proved that Dhoni’s midas touch might have gone from his batting but not his captaincy. After successfully turning Nehra from the most hated man in the country to a hero against pakistan, Dhoni is back as India’s ‘coolest’ captain. (ya ofcourse).

While the “bollywood” biggies and the political hotshots will cheer for India at Mumbai, the real fans of the Men In Blue will be praying in front of TV sets, in their homes, outside TV showrooms, in shops that have one creaking TV set, praying that the Cup remains in the country, for It is the last world cup game for the most favorite son of India, Sachin Tendulkar.

Change The Game : The Kadavule Kaappathu Shot!!! Or Hey Bhagwan Mujhe Bachaoo Shot!!

Well you have all seen Pietersen with the Tharbooza

Dilshan with the Pallu

,

Bhajji with his tingly

(??).

What if the people over at Pepsi “get idea”?? This is my version of “Change the Game”

Ouchhh!!!

Player Involved : Prince of Kolkata , The Person other than God on the offside : Sourav Ganguly

Location : Pillayar Koil Near Chennai (peculiar location , anything other than Kolkata would be so, but let us take the poetic license)

Initial sequences shall show Sourav getting hit , left , right and centre. See left first, kolkata special. < I guess sourav never went to night clubs, he was afraid of bouncers>. Now getting back to business, Sourav watches devotees doing the ashirvad(no , not the atta), hands above in praying position, head bowed down,saying “Kadavule Kappaathu” . Sourav feels it is an elegant way to handle bouncers. “Ippa matchlayum ippadiye pannu” . Sourav duly obliges.

Here are some tips for Dada to Pull it off 😛

Step 1 : Now , close your eyes, Dada

Step 2: Put your Hands up to your chest, duck your head.

Step 3: Now Turn 360 degrees saying “Kadavule Kappathu” (Hey Bhagwan, Mujhe Bachaooo)

Cue Background Music : “kadavule Kappathu , kadavule kappathu”

Sourav : “The official sponsor of : The Kadavule Kappathu shot”

If Sourav does follow this , he might have to “Change the game”, play golf if he could 🙂

How to lose fans and alienate people?

Every Cricket fan’s dilemma

A global event like the World Cup offers opportunities to the host country to open up to global tourism. But the BCCI thinks otherwise. Even before the ‘showpiece’ event kicked off , I felt that there was very little hype/publicity surrounding the tournament. It feels like the BCCI were working on the sole premise that has brought in the moolah – “Cricket sells”. How else can you explain Ten Cricket acquiring the rights for “Jharkand Premier League”??

In a country where Cricketers are revered as Gods and damned as Traitors based on the latest results, BCCI knew from the start that they need not go out and sell their product to the world. People would buy at any cost. But the scenes at Nagpur and Bengalooru show the real apathy that the cricketing board has towards the fans. One can blame the public for creating a scene and disorder at the ticketing areas but much onus should have been on the board to make sure that everything runs smoothly. On top of all this comes the news that the general public might not have tickets for the world cup final.

Is the ICC killing it’s own tournament screams the article in the previous link. Which I feel is very much true. Every Indian fan would have harbored the hopes of watching the finals on Apr 2 , but with the lottery system and the chaos surrounding the ticket sales, I am not sure how many people would bother. If the performances of the Indian team are anything to go by, buying a ticket to the finals seems too much pain for nothing.

A Shared-Auto Ride!!

To Share (v) : joint use of a resource or space. In its narrow sense, it refers to joint or alternating use of an inherently finite good, such as a common pasture or a shared residence. It is also the process of dividing and distributing. .

Unknown to the definition framers over at Wikipedia.org exists a sinister and more practical meaning for the word ‘Sharing’. It can only be appreciated by someone who has , for at least for once in their life, put their life on the line while traveling on one of the more modern methods of Transit in IT-India. No we are not talking about Jet skis or roller blades but the “Share-Auto”.

Notice the sinister use of the word share. It doesn’t actually mean that you get a share of space on the vehicle. No,  No No. Share-Auto riding refers to an ingenius cost cutting solution that allows upto 20 people to travel on an Auto. The Share-Auto is as much an adventure sport as it is an ingenious economic solution. Imagine able to travel Kms in an Indian Suburb for 1/10th the original fare. But like all schemes offered by Super villains, the Share-Auto has a catch.

Imagine having to packed like sardines in an auto , which mentions 7 in all. For those who might think that it means the total number of passengers, I pity you all. It actually refers to the number of people that can/should be accommodated in every possible direction. Perilous you  think?? Oh we are not done yet.

Like all things modern , the Share-Auto also has a sinister sidekick, if you would. It is called the MP3Player. Yes you heard it right. As you travel from point A to point B clinging to the inches allotted to you by the driver’s right hand , i e the Cleaner, you are made to listen to minutes of brilliant music that you didn’t know existed. Some of them are the most mind-numbing tracks of the 90s to the blatant techno hits of Himmesh Reshammiya!!! I guess there can be a separate post for the “Shared-Auto” discography. Here are some of the tracks that seem to hit the top in this category.

MYOOSICK

This is perhaps the most epic song  i have ever heard on a share-auto. Listen to the lyrics , the underlying meaning, the pathos . Try to listen to this with a straight face.

you just have to marvel at the vocal range of Kumar Sanu in the era of these songs.
Simple 90’s/Late 80’s Bollywood MYooSick Generator = (Kumar Sanu + Alka Yagnik) (Copious amounts of Meherbaan, Saaheban, Dil,Jigar,Pyaar)

This one has to be my most favorite irritant song. It takes the cake. Thank god there aren’t video screens yet. Else you would have to put up with the voice as well as the face!!! *gasp*. And to add to all there is the techno-remix version that is most played.

cue :facepalm!!
Cost Cutting does have it’s perils ya know.

The Game no one really wanted to win

One small question put forward to Ravi Shastri, How many times does he actually mean what he says?? “The atmosphere here is electric”, the atmosphere here is absolutely electric. I guess by that he means it is plainly electric and nothing electronic. Just as “it was nothing personal , just business” . Next time I hear him saying that electric thingy , I am gonna keep count just to start a social cause for him to save ‘electricity’. Coming to what was originally the point of this whole post , the tied game or as I would like to call the ‘Game that no one really wanted to win’.

I mean what team would score 330 odd or even and give up 270 odd for just 2 wickets and suddenly remember they are not playing a warm up match?? And what team would choke (almost) within touching distance after their opening left handed batsman/ captain scores a century? No not South Africa. Everybody was on the edge of their seats, well, everyone except Deepika Padukone, wonder what happened there. A few UDRS reviews , ‘well of course’s later no one won. Ya you heard it right no one won.